THE GIVINGTHANKS TABLE

@Lance Lubin

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS

I do know, however, that creamed corn is disgusting, and canned cranberry sauce should be at least 3rd degree felony carrying a $2000 fine and up to six months in prison. I mean, come on folks. Of all the Thanksgiving dishes you can prepare, nothing is simpler than making cranberry sauce. I know this may seem like an odd windmill to tilt at (extra points for singing: “I am I Don Quixote, the Lord of La Mancha, my destiny calls and I go”) but I am passionate about cranberry sauce. For me, Thanksgiving is about the cranberry sauce and all the other stuff is just side dishes. I digress.

But I like smoked turkey, mac & cheese, croissants, and gravy. Does that mean I'm part conservative? By the way, the last conservative was Barry Goldwater (in your heart, you know he's right). Conservatives conserve. The current cabal of morally bankrupt douche canoe criminals would get bitch slapped if Teddy Roosevelt came back from the grave. I digress.

HERE IS SOMETHING EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS

I think these two charts may be the key to the electorate.

Note that the garden salad, butternut squash, and stuffing-in-bird are all in communist States. Hey dad, this year instead of Disney World, can we go to Gravy Mountain?

And I don't want to watch cornbread dressing, I want to see it undressing. But I am a Registered Snack Offender and have to stay a thousand feet away from any Krystal, and I’m not talking about meth. I'm talking about those little grease bombs of delight. Takhomasack.

These charts, however,

May prove to be more useful than the polls, because once again, the polls fucked us like a Matt Gaetz cocktail (Viagra with red bull) infused sailor on a Spanish fly driven 24 hour leave. If I ever hear anyone ever say again, “a poll is just a snapshot in time”, I will be tempted.

YEA, THE POLLS FUCKED US.

We fell for it again. Yes, we really ARE Libtards. They were right all along.

BUT LET’S PAUSE…

And give thanks. There is a lot to be thankful for. While things are not (right now) at their rosiest, the leadership team that The Lyin’ King has put together is collectively dumber than a box of hair, and their sinfully wicked programs have a very good chance of collapsing under their own ineptitude. Coupled with this, there is a legion of ACLU lawyers preparing to wage war with litigation, throwing sand in the gears.

So give thanks this Thanksgiving that there are people picking up the gauntlet in hopes that these traitorous scumbags will fuck things up so badly that they get shellacked in the midterms.