THE JESUS BUDGET

WWJS (Who Would Jesus Screw)

We used to depend on holy men to articulate scripture and explain it to the rabble (that’s us). And many of us, mostly altar boys, were deeply touched by this. But fortunately, we now have paragons of virtue to inform us that we've had it all wrong.

The Jesus of the Bible…

was so radical in his advocacy of the poor, the widow, and the orphan that if he came back today he would be regarded as a woke pussy.

The Jesus of the Republican Party doesn't “cotton to” that kind of libtard shit. Next time, he’s kicking ass, taking names, and is singing a new tune.

But we really don't need that preachy pantywaist anymore.

We have the new and improved Jesus.

And the new and improved Jesus has goals for the upcoming budget battle.

• Fuck you, and the donkey you rode in on

• Loot the Treasury and give it to The Space Nazi Vampire

• Destroy the Federal Government

• The Fourth Reich

Quotes from the New and Improved Jesus Bible

Proverbs 19:17 - Whoever is generous to the billionaires lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.

Deuteronomy 15:11 - For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand and slap the shit out of your brother, the needy and the poor, in your land.’

Acts 20:35 - In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the billionaires and remember the words of the New and Improved Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to receive than to give.’

BUT…WHY TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

Confess